This week was a great week as always. It was also a tough week. It was about creating a perfect plan for yourself. About the our possible fears and anxiety about the MKE ending. So we are winding down and have to become the confident self directed thinkers the course is designed to make us.
Now the tough part. Facing why I am not where I want to be. It starts with the premise that I am living the life I choose. It is not the life I want but it is the life I have chosen up until this point even though it was not necessarily a conscious choice. That was a little tough to face. It is not the first time I have heard it but it affected me more this time.
So how did I end up here? How did I make these choices to be where I don’t really want to be and why am I still here? The comfort zone, I have not been stepping out of my comfort zone. It is where I feel comfortable even if it is where I don’t really like where I’m at. It is familiar, so even if it doesn’t make me happy I have chosen to remain in my comfort zone. What keeps me here? Fear of the unknown, fear of what others might think. There are other fears but those are the main two for me. It is safer to stay where I am than to face those fears. Feelings of unworthiness, I don’t feel I’m worthy of success and money. There is also hurt feelings, guilt and anger but fear and unworthiness are the main two for me.
Last week we put on index cards that we look at daily this question. “What would the person that I intend to become do next?” This question has helped me improve my commitment to what I am doing here. I have procrastinated less and gotten more done when I remember the question. This week we put a timeline on an index card with the starting point the year I was born and the year of my death. Then a line for now and then to think about your favorite season. My season is summer and then calculate how many summers I have left. Then knowing that I am not where I want to be and knowing what I have to change to get there. The question at the bottom of the card is: “When will I begin?”.
When will I begin? That is the big question. At first this was a very scary question. There is so much fear and feelings of unworthiness it seemed too much to answer the question. Then I thought about it and looked at the notes. In the notes it said that it doesn’t need to be a great leap out of the comfort zone. You can take tiny steps. I can do that. The question then is not scary then. The answer is now. The answer is to be aware of what I’m doing and keep looking for small things to change all the time and keep making those small changes. Then the big question to pay attention to constantly is: What would the person I intend to become do next?
Awareness and constantly looking for opportunities to make small steps out of my comfort zone will get me where I want to be. It will be hard to do at times but I will get better at it. Maybe the right answer for me to the question: When will I begin? Is not now but every single day.